Love Broke Through

by: dennis

edited: author’s sister

two of twelve. lots of ideas come to mind on what I want to write about. different angles, different perspectives. however, I have found one for today. let’s begin.

there is a verse that comes to my mind about my struggle with sin while attending a congregation on a weekly basis where I came to worship God with fellow believers. it comes from Psalms and it talks about sinners that are with those who are righteous in the congregation.

during my struggle, I identified with this verse as being the sinner, and felt that I was singled out for my struggle. I found myself thinking, how can I be here worshiping God when my struggle is ongoing and feeling like I can’t seem to grab hold of the freedom that I longed for? I wanted, earnestly, to worship God in spirit and in truth, not just the mere appearance of it.

I didn’t want to worship God just because this was tradition or how I was raised. but instead, I wanted to worship Him with my full heart. but how could I do this if my heart was not fully yielded? when would the day come where I could honestly worship Him with all of my heart? I wondered upon these questions for a long time. it pained me coming to service knowing the struggle was not yet over, oh how I wanted to believe this would be the day that I would be free. it brought me sorrow, when during service, I found myself thinking about how I would spend my time in the evening, when I could be alone to watch pornography in the cover of darkness, with God as my only witness. I wondered, why did I have to be tempted this way during service, when I am seeking to worship God? I wondered, why did I so easily give in to the temptation? I wondered, when would my sorrow, my pain, my sadness, my hopelessness be turned into joy, healing, happiness, and hopefulness?

I wanted to be able to take the way of escape that God provides when one is tempted, but I felt like that provision just kept slipping through my hands like water and I couldn’t take hold of it.

I was filled with sorrow and sadness when I did not choose the way of escape. and like a slave, I found my self led to commit a sin against God, a sin that I hated doing. a sin that I felt had such a strong grip on me. a sin that I felt I had no power over. the below verse is relevant, describing my conflict between my hate for sin that I was committing and my desire to be free and to serve God with my whole heart.

there were times that I hated what I was doing entirely; there were other times I was so hopeless, that I allowed myself to believe it was pleasurable. but in both cases, it ended the same way: I found myself saddened by what I had done, felt like I am falling further behind in life the longer this continued to go on. I found myself confessing before God of my sin and wanting this to be the last day, the last time. but I wondered if it actually would be. could it be possible? how many times would I come to God confessing, praying that this would be the last day? how long would this go on for? I didn’t want to add another year of struggle to my journey. instead I found myself counting the years. it’s been 6 years, then 7, then 8, and the number of years kept going up. when would it stop? now some 17+ years later, the freedom is here, and freedom never tasted so good.

with this newfound freedom, I am now experiencing what it is to truly worship God with all my heart, in full belief, and not in the potential that I could possibly worship Him with all of my heart, fully yielded to Him. it is so liberating, so freeing, so good, and so pure for my heart to be in alignment with my mind, my desires, and above all, with God, in full submission. am i perfect at this full submission? no. but is it easier now? most definitely. when the stumbling stone, which in my case was unforgiveness toward myself for what I’ve done, was removed, the resistance to submission disappeared, and the willingness to obey God increased.

there is more to share, more to come. there will be some overlap with some of the topics over the course of these twelve posts, but as I go through my journey, I believe the pieces of the big picture will fall into place as I share the different parts of my story.

to the hopeless. there is hope in God. to the ones in sorrow, God sees you. to the ones in pain, God knows. to the ones in chains, God wants to set you free. to the ones in darkness, God wants you to be in the light. God can make it happen. will you let Him? will you let yourself believe? nothing is too hard for our God, no problem is too big for Him. He is waiting for you. open the door and you will find Him there.

be blessed. stay strong. press on. don’t give up.