Love Broke Through

by: dennis

edited: author’s sister

the ninth post is here. consequences. crossing lines. escapism to reality. some things will snap you back to reality faster than others. one of those things is debt, which is a very practical matter.

the money I spent at the clubs in real life, was always in cash, so no debt but money and time was wasted. but accumulating debt because of pornography is another story. and that story is here for today.

but how, and why, did I cross this line of spending money on porn? a line that I thought I would never dare cross. a line that seemed to be pretty clear, seemed to be uncrossable, suddenly became a line that I crossed.

about 3 years ago, I was hanging out with my friend, and he was asking how I was doing in terms of porn, and at that time I was in one of my attempts to stay clean, so I wasn’t actively watching, and I said I was good, which at that time wasn’t much because although I was not consuming porn, mentally I was still obsessed with women and pornographic images, which might as well have been the same thing as watching it. I had a behavior change, but no real change in my heart or mind. and it was an attempt to change behavior through my willpower. I wanted to be free by my efforts, my strength, my way. my goodness, I thought so carnally. my prayer was to be free. but I was trying to answer my prayer myself instead of letting God do the work. I wanted to be free for a period of time and then confess to others and share how I’ve been free from porn for x amount of time. I didn’t want to confess in the moment. this way of thinking is just pride talking. God wants us to humble ourselves and be real with Him in the moment. He wants your confession today, not later.

my friend asked a second question along the lines of: did you spend money on porn/have any debt because of porn? I was surprised, initially, by this question because at the time I thought it was crazy that anyone would spend money on porn when there is so much available for free. I told him nope, cuz there is so much out there you can get for free. and that was that, but the question was burned into my memory. little did I know that in just over a year I would actually cross that line.

let’s take a moment to pause here and talk about two things: novelty and control.

novelty, as more and more content is consumed, a porn addict will delve into more and more categories and fetishes that they thought they would never need to watch because it was too crazy or violent. novelty is needed to hit the highs over and over again, over an extended period of time.

then there is control. personally, I felt a deep need for control in my life, as I felt that I had no control over my actions and the direction of my life. so, how does this translate to porn? well, I got to pick the content I wanted to watch, go through the video as fast or slow I wanted to, and move on to the next thing as quickly I wanted to.

now, with these two things in mind, back to how I crossed the line. it all started with a conversation in the dm’s with a playboy playmate on twitter, which then eventually led me to check out her sites that had content locked behind a payment wall. at the payment page, I was now face to face with the very line I said I would not cross.

I definitely struggled with crossing this line because of how crazy it seemed to me. so many times I would come to the payment page and just say nah as I would realize that I would have to use my real name, my personal information to access the content. this wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. I found it easier to walk away from the payment page than to even start filling out my information, it just seemed way too crazy to do. I was in utter shock that people actually did this, actually put their personal information in. just insanity, at least that’s how I felt. so this led me to think that my line was pretty strong. the wall was pretty high. it felt unscalable.

but, then, one day it happened. my wall had fallen. my line was crossed. one hook and I was in. and thus began the journey into a new world of novelty and control of content by the means of money.

what’s the lesson here?

first, when you are out of sync with God and not maintaining your relationship with Him well, the lines (no matter how thick, how high) that you set for yourself can be crossed before you realize how far you’ve gone and have come face to face with the line. boundaries are good, but they shouldn’t be the focal point. God needs to be where your eyes are focused on and He alone will help you stay within the boundary lines of life.

second, this cannot be accomplished by our efforts alone. we need God’s help through the power of the Holy Spirit. we must abide in His Word continually in order to sustain a godly life. this life on earth is a battle and we need to depend on God’s power and Word for strength. abiding in Him means we can live without fear and be filled with His power.

thank God that we can depend on Him daily. He provides continually and has an abundance of mercy for you every day.

stay strong, be courageous, remain in Him always.

be blessed.