Love Broke Through

by: dennis

edited: author’s sister

diez. numero ten. wow, I can’t believe its the tenth post already of this series. it’s been a journey and I’m excited for what lies ahead. thank you all those who have joined me on this ride. new series start after the twelfth post, so keep a look out for that.

today’s topic: coping and more specifically coping with the topic of marriage.

we all have different things we need to cope with: stress, work, difficult people, negative emotions, loneliness, unexpected circumstances, etc. how you choose to cope with these is the key. hopefully in a healthy way. ie: eating well, exercising, talking to those who support you, having hobbies, journaling, etc. but not everyone copes well, and choose instead harmful options: drinking, eating food, binging shows/movies, watching porn, bottling up, impulsive spending, etc. maybe this kind of seems obvious, but there is a distinction between how one copes with their problems and what drives someone to cope. I recently listed to a podcast by Sathiya Sam who mentioned that once he understood that beliefs drive behavior, it changed his perspective. I appreciated this insight because it is so true. one underlying belief can result in many different types of behaviors, which means that changing behaviors is not going to help if beliefs don’t change. sure, some behaviors are better than others, but behaviors don’t change beliefs. beliefs is what change behaviors. and the best way to do that is to allow God to transform your heart and mind.

until your heart changes, good behavior will clash with your internal beliefs when they are not in agreement with each other. integrity results when actions and beliefs sync up, along with both being in agreement with God, which is true integrity.

I definitely experienced this clash throughout my journey struggling with and battling against my porn addiction. and it just caused me pain to lack integrity and be a hypocrite. oh how I didn’t want to be a hypocrite anymore. it just sucks being one. it also didn’t help that I chose to cope in such unhealthy ways. my two primary ways were: bottling up and escapism.

my emotions, beliefs, lies, thoughts got bottled up. and before I knew it, I would need to release the pressure somehow and sure enough I would blow up. this was unpleasant for me and for those around me. what a poor way of handling my emotions and what I was thinking. not letting yourself express what is going on inside of you just doesn’t work. it just brings turmoil inside. what good is that?

escapism. well I had several avenues for this. I regularly lost myself in different places: on reddit, watching tv shows, videogames/mobile games, jailbreaking (iphone), watching porn, being away from home on different trips, at work, etc. I was living in a constant state of escapism; I was constantly running away from the problems within my soul. I didn’t let myself be in the present and experience reality. one of the other ways that made it easier for me to not be present was to be in a constant state of tiredness. so that I only had enough energy to get through the day and not worry about dealing with my problems or anything else. I had an easier time being tired than having enough energy because I didn’t know what to do with myself when I had enough rest. I lacked vision, a hope for the future, and direction in my life. without these things, it made more sense to me at the time to ignore these and just be tired all the time instead.

there were many lies that I believed in that drove me to be hopeless. but there is one that stands above the rest. that I would never find someone who would accept me. I became hopeless about marriage. I found it hard to believe that it would be possible to find someone who would accept my past. even though I knew it was possible. I had watched countless testimonies of those who broke free from their porn addiction and gotten married, men and women. that gave me just a little bit to hold on to. the possibility was there.

so attending weddings as an adult, during my twenties, was difficult for me. I experienced great joy and excitement leading up to and during the wedding. but that would wear off and I found myself thinking how hopeless my situation was. of how another wedding had gone by and I’m in a no better situation from the last wedding I attended. I would wonder how many years would go by before I would be in a place to be ready for marriage. these thoughts caused me quite a bit of pain and hopelessness. when would the hopelessness end? it seemed never-ending.

last year, in August of ’22, I attended my cousin’s wedding. which I was excited for and happy for the couple. but this wedding caused me to think of how many mistakes I made in life, of how much time I had wasted watching porn and how poorly I spent my time, and these thoughts drove me to some of my darkest days in life. this wedding had hit me harder than any of the previous ones I had attended because it was my youngest guy cousin on my mom’s side who got married. he had beaten all of us guys including me, the eldest out of the guys. it really put things in perspective for me to see how immature I was, how slowly I grew up or how much I didn’t grow up at all, and how I was being more like a teenager throughout my twenties. maybe slightly better than a teenager, as I did hold a job and was productive in that way. keep in mind, my pain wasn’t from them getting married, but what their wedding caused me to think about more deeply than the previous weddings had.

during the next several months after this wedding, I dove hard into a place of pain, despair, darkness, and a deep longing to tell someone about my problems. I don’t ever wish to repeat these five months again. more to come on this part of the journey next week.

out of darkness comes light. there is hope. there is healing that comes.

may you never forget the God who takes you out of darkness and into the light.

be blessed. be in the light. shalom.