Love Broke Through

by: dennis

edited: author’s sister

e-l-e-v-e-n. a deep dive. a little over five months. day-by-day pain. a dark season. lots of money spent. it finally came to an end when everything about God just clicked (which takes this journey full circle back to post one of this series). next week will be about a conversation I had with a friend that impacted me in a significant way. but for now, let’s dive into this week’s post.

a couple of posts ago, I talked about crossing the line when it came to spending money on pornography. between fall of ’21 and january ’22 is when I first spent some money on porn, and I kept it to smaller amounts which still added up to about a grand or so. 10 dollars here, 20 dollars there, and it adds up. paid all of that off. didn’t want to do it again.

found myself spending money on porn again in april and may ’22. this time I found myself justifying spending larger amounts of money and spending more time watching porn than I typically did before in my life. I needed a reason to justify how to sustain this type of spending. I found myself exchanging the money I was to be tithing to God for porn. I robbed God of what was His.

this hurts so much to write this. that I stole from God. that I disregarded His portion and what was His.

increase of spending was one thing. the other was an increase of time. what was different this time?

well, its one thing to watch porn as a one-way street, where you don’t have a relationship with those on the screen. it’s another when you go to sites where a relationship can be built, as fake as it was, a relationship nonetheless. all of a sudden I found myself in a place where I could talk to a girl where I could also get what I wanted, which was porn. it felt like killing two birds with one stone. and also a win-win for me and the girl. she got a paying client and I got a conversation and porn. but this was a terrible relationship because it only lasted if she continued to provide content and if I continued to pay. it was broken the moment either side was done. nothing of substance.

there may have been something else at play here. I wanted to be able to talk freely with a girl across a range of topics including pornography. and this was an avenue that allowed for this, but this was the unholy way of being able to discuss about the topic of sex.

having conversations like these kept me coming back for more. I had more curiosities to satisfy. this was a new world of novelty.

but then this too came to an end. in may I checked my statement. and I freaked out when I realized that I had spent over three grand on porn. this was crazy. so I spent the next couple of months paying it off. and I thought I don’t want to do this again. there were projects that I wanted to do, and those projects didn’t cost that much. but now here I was, paying off something that was temporary, fake, and of no lasting value.

then comes august. I went to my cousin’s wedding. then I got hit hard emotionally. and I found myself coping with porn again. but this time. the pain was greater than I ever felt before in my life. I dove hard.

towards the end of August, a dark season of my life began. in a little over a week I had spent two grand. I found myself thinking, I could just stop right now, pay this off and be over with it. but no, I didn’t do that. I also thought, the pain is so great. I found myself at a loss of what I could do besides porn to cope with my pain.

as september kept progressing, my spending continuing daily. my debt climbing. I longed to tell someone how much I royally screwed up my life. I had a person in mind that I could tell, but always stopped short of reaching out to them. this too is pain. oh how I longed to quit. and how I longed to just to tell someone. who would listen? who I could talk to without fear? God answered this prayer with another friend of mine. more on that next week.

as the months progressed, I had spent countless hours on pornography, making it nearly a full-time job per week in terms of time spent. it came at the cost of sleep. still somehow was productive at work.

I felt so much sadness each time I pre-bought the credits after work to spend later in the evening. spending more than I earned each day didn’t compare to the pain that I felt. the money that I spent felt like nothing compared to the pain I felt in my soul. it hurts just writing this as I reflect on these months of my life.

around this time I knew that sooner or later I would face the music of the mess that I was making. but for now, I was delaying the inevitable that would surely come.

november went by. more porn. more money spent. more time wasted.

december rolled around. same story.

january comes around. the debt is significantly higher. credit cards have been maxing out. I was reaching my limits. I began to see how this would have to end someday. the credit on my cards that I had available to spend was dwindling thus telling me that my time on paid porn sites was coming to an end.

the stress began to mount more and more. it was becoming less bearable day by day. two reasons: no one knew about my debt and also I knew I needed to tell someone. these both added to my stress as each day passed by.

and then. I was in discipleship class listening to an explanation about what the kippa symbolizes. and there are two things: one, it acts as an outward testimony of submission to God and secondly, it acts a personal symbol of your own personal relationship with God. and just like that, after hearing that and realizing that I have a personal relationship with God, that I can say “my God,” “my Savior,” everything about God just clicked. I had one of the biggest epiphanies in my life and I knew life would not be the same again. and it sure hasn’t since then.

praise God for His revelations that only He can show you by the Holy Spirit. there is no other way I would’ve gotten this understanding of God. I found a willingness to submit to God and follow His leading and His instruction for my life like never before in my life.

and I knew that I was set on following God. that I didn’t need to watch porn anymore. this was around the beginning to middle of january. so my time watching porn dropped and eventually I quit a few weeks later.

my conscience now cleared before God. and I knew the hard part would begin. cleaning up my life. and getting out of this mess. I had things to confess and debt to tell someone about.

the amount that I spent in that week of august, was, on average per week, sustained during these five months. I put myself into an undeniable situation where I needed help. there was no hiding from this one. sadly, when I reflected on how much I spent, I realized that, in a way, it took this much for me to wake up and face reality for once in my life. I’m glad it wasn’t worse. but it’s still sad to see that it took this much for me to stop escaping from life.

what I can say now though is that living in reality is so much better. being present is truly a gift that comes daily. and my soul has so much peace. only God. only Yeshua provides this kind of peace for your soul.

with Him all things are possible. He can change your life.

your heart is not too far gone. trust in Him today. and forevermore.

be blessed.